In a castle of Westphalia, belonging to the Baron of Thunder-ten-Tronckh, lived a youth, whom nature had endowed with the most gentle manners. His countenance was a true picture of his soul. He combined a true judgment with simplicity of spirit, which was the reason, I apprehend, of his being called Candide. The old servants of the family suspected him to have been the son of the Baron’s sister, by a good, honest gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady would never marry because he had been able to prove only seventy-one quarterings, the rest of his genealogical tree having been lost through the injuries of time.
The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his castle had not only a gate, but windows. His great hall, even, was hung with tapestry. All the dogs of his farm-yards formed a pack of hounds at need; his grooms were his huntsmen; and the curate of the village was his grand almoner. They called him “My Lord,” and laughed at all his stories.
The Baron’s lady weighed about three hundred and fifty pounds, and was therefore a person of great consideration, and she did the honours of the house with a dignity that commanded still greater respect. Her daughter Cunegonde was seventeen years of age, fresh-coloured, comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron’s son seemed to be in every respect worthy of his father. The Preceptor Pangloss was the oracle of the family, and little Candide heard his lessons with all the good faith of his age and character.
Pangloss was professor of metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology. He proved admirably that there is no effect without a cause, and that, in this best of all possible worlds, the Baron’s castle was the most magnificent of castles, and his lady the best of all possible Baronesses.
“It is demonstrable,” said he, “that things cannot be otherwise than as they are; for all being created for an end, all is necessarily for the best end. Observe, that the nose has been formed to bear spectacles—thus we have spectacles. Legs are visibly designed for stockings—and we have stockings. Stones were made to be hewn, and to construct castles—therefore my lord has a magnificent castle; for the greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs were made to be eaten—therefore we eat pork all the year round. Consequently they who assert that all is well have said a foolish thing, they should have said all is for the best.”
Candide listened attentively and believed innocently; for he thought Miss Cunegonde extremely beautiful, though he never had the courage to tell her so. He concluded that after the happiness of being born of Baron of Thunder-ten-Tronckh, the second degree of happiness was to be Miss Cunegonde, the third that of seeing her every day, and the fourth that of hearing Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole province, and consequently of the whole world.
One day Cunegonde, while walking near the castle, in a little wood which they called a park, saw between the bushes, Dr. Pangloss giving a lesson in experimental natural philosophy to her mother’s chamber-maid, very pretty and very docile. As Miss Cunegonde had a great disposition for the sciences, she breathlessly observed the repeated experiments of which she was a witness; she clearly perceived the force of the Doctor’s reasons, the effects, and the causes; she turned back greatly flurried, quite pensive, and filled with the desire to be learned; dreaming that she might well be a sufficient reason for young Candide, and he for her.
She met Candide on reaching the castle and blushed; Candide blushed also; she wished him good morrow in a faltering tone, and Candide spoke to her without knowing what he said.
The next day after dinner, as they went from table, Cunegonde and Candide found themselves behind a screen; Cunegonde let fall her handkerchief, Candide picked it up, she took him innocently by the hand, the youth as innocently kissed the young lady’s hand with particular vivacity, sensibility, and grace; their lips met, their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, their hands strayed. Baron Thunder-ten-Tronckh passed near the screen and beholding this cause and effect chased Candide from the castle with great kicks on the backside; Cunegonde fainted away; she was boxed on the ears by the Baroness, as soon as she came to herself; and all was consternation in this most magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.
Contemporary Version
In the castle of Baron Thunder-ten-tronckh, somewhere in Westphalia, there lived a young man whose face was his fortune and whose disposition made everyone adore him without quite knowing why.
His name was Candide.
He was the Baron’s nephew. Or so it was generally believed. No one pressed the matter.
It was better that way.
The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in all of Westphalia. His castle had a door and windows. His great hall was even hung with tapestry.
The dogs in his stable yard formed a pack when necessary. His stable boys were his huntsmen. The village priest was his grand almoner.
Everyone called the Baron, My Lord. And laughed at his jokes.
The Baroness, who weighed in the neighborhood of three hundred and fifty pounds, was therefore greatly respected. She performed the honors of the house with a dignity that commanded still greater respect.
Her daughter Cunégonde was seventeen, rosy-cheeked, fresh, plump, and altogether appetizing.
For reasons that made sense to everyone, she was nicknamed CG.
The Baron’s son appeared in every way worthy of his father.
The tutor of the household was a man named Pangloss, and he was the greatest philosopher in all of Westphalia, which is to say, in all the world. He taught metaphysico-theologo-cosmo-nigology.
He could prove to anyone’s satisfaction that there is no effect without a cause, and that in this best of all possible worlds, the Baron’s castle was the finest of all possible castles, and the Baroness the best of all possible Baronesses.
“It is obvious,” he would say, “that things cannot be other than as they are. Everything is made for a purpose.”
He orated, with great elegance:
“Observe: noses were made to wear glasses, so we have glasses. Legs were clearly intended for pants, and we have pants.”
Visitors to the castle hid their faces and scampered past in a rush to their next destination.
“Stones were formed to be quarried and to build castles, so of course, My Lord must have the most beautiful castle in the province! And since pigs were made to be eaten, we eat pork all year round!”
He paused for breath.
“So those who say everything is well have said a foolish thing. They should say, ‘Everything is for the best!’”
Candide listened attentively and believed every word.
Candide found CG extremely beautiful, though he never dared to tell her so. Candide also concluded that the greatest happiness in life would have been to be born as rich and esteemed as Baron Thunder-ten-tronckh.
The second greatest was to love CG.
The third was to see her every day.
The fourth was to listen to Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher in the province, and therefore the world.
He was easily satisfied.
One day CG, walking near the castle, observed Pangloss in the shrubbery giving a lesson in experimental philoso-physi-kama sutra to her mother’s chambermaid. A very pretty and very willing brunette.
As CG had a natural aptitude for science, she observed the experiment with breathless attention, understood it perfectly, went away quite flustered, and thought very much about young Candide.
On her way back, she encountered him.
She blushed.
Candide also blushed.
She said good morning in a faltering voice.
Candide spoke to her without knowing what he said.
When privacy is a must…
The next day, after dinner, as everyone was leaving the table, CG and Candide found themselves behind a screen.
CG let fall her handkerchief.
Candide picked it up.
She innocently took his hand.
The young man innocently kissed the young lady’s hand with remarkable vivacity, tenderness, and grace.
She did not pull away.
He looked up.
She looked down.
For a moment, neither of them breathed.
Then they clutched each other the way people do.
Their lips met. Their eyes sparkled. Their knees trembled. Their hands wandered.
Baron Thunder-ten-tronckh happened to pass by the screen.
He observed this cause and this effect, and drove Candide from the castle with great kicks to his ass.
CG fainted.
The Baroness slapped her when she recovered.
And just like that, everything went to absolute chaos in the most beautiful and agreeable of all possible worlds.
